Polly Bloom | Divorce & Separation Coach

You can move forward after divorce to be happier than you were before, but you won’t get there very fast if you are carrying lots of rocks in your rucksack.

Divorce is a complicated legal and emotional battle, especially if you have children with your ex. There are many transitional stages to go through to empty the rocks one by one from your rucksuck to lighten the load.

What people don't really talk about is that divorce is an ongoing transition. It is often the case that repetition occurs in certain things that you promised yourself, it never would. To stop these rocks from weighing you down, here are 5 of those things:

Anger

You have two choices (a) remain focused on the past or (b) let it go. Focus instead on a happy future. Your future is bright and your divorce has played a part in putting you on the road to rediscovering yourself. This is a big step for a lot of people who aren't great at letting go of anger or forgiving. It can be a struggle to have positive thoughts at a precarious time in your life. Try to constantly remind yourself that your future is bright and in part, it is a result of your divorce story. Reshifting of focus allows you to let that anger go.

While anger is a natural emotion, learning how to manage it as you navigate divorce is crucial to moving on and taking your life back. Although it takes time to traverse, the road to recovery is easily started. Anger is a thief. Don’t let it rob you of your chance to move on. Be the person you have always wanted to be, work hard to maintain the things you love. Don't let anger take them away.

Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

Deborah Reber

Love

The world is a big place. Your heart may have been broken, but you are worthy of finding love again with someone who will reciprocate this unrequited love. In every divorce there is usually at least one broken heart, the one that loved and lost, the one that still secretly hopes for a change of heart or reconnection with an ex spouse. This "love" you think you have for your ex is most likely not going to reignite, so you really need to learn to let this go, in all relationships why would you wish to be with someone, who doesn't wish you to be with you? You shouldn't is the answer because out there, are seven billion more people you can meet who want you for you. So let this love go and focus on the new.

Sadness

Sadness can come and go like waves during and after your divorce journey. You will face feelings of grief, failure and uncertainty. All these emotions are normal, so cry, scream when you need to. Go for a walk, a run. Do something that makes you happy. Surround yourself with people you can trust and who genuinely care about you. Don’t let the sadness consume you, don’t hold it in, just let it go and make the choice to be happy. Actions can change thoughts.

Surround yourself with people who genuinely care, read a book, go on a trip, but let the sadness leave you. Make the daily choice of being happy and those negative emotions will fade, it's always possible. Everything can always get better, everyone can be happy and happier after their divorce, but if you carry too much weight after the fact, this will continue to weigh you down.

If you spend your time hoping someone will suffer the consequences for what they did to your heart, then you're allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.

Shannon L. Adler

Injustice

We can struggle with feelings of injustice during and after a divorce and the rights and wrongs of it all. Our thoughts are dominated by how we’ve been treated unfairly by the judicial system, the ex and how they cheated and lied and yet carry on without an ounce of remorse. They didn’t declare financial statements and proclaim to be hard up and yet they are enjoying luxury holidays and driving around in a new car. This is infuriating and you want to scream, "this is so wrong"! Ultimately, for your own mental wellbeing and as hard as it may be, you have to let it go. Shift your thinking into “it is what it is”. Focus on you and what you are in control of. You have the power to change your life, so long as you let go of the past. Concentrate on you, the here and now, today, tomorrow. The very best thing you can do, is let it be.

Expectation

As I have mentioned, it is normal to feel upset at the end of a relationship and in fact it is a necessary part of the healing process. You will take one step forward and two steps back. Try not to set too many goals for yourself, but enjoy the journey moving forward. The difference between expectations and reality, is often disappointing. You can take the time to get to know yourself again and learn to be happy in your own company. Expect to work and focus on yourself daily. Love yourself. This is your new life.

Paula Crowhurst

The author of divorceseparationcoach.co.uk and a wide variety of inspirational & helpful blogs, to aid you in getting your life back on track after divorce. In addition to your personal coach, her own experiences will provide a unique and considered insight, into the things you can do to keep positive and motivated.