'Til Death Do Us Part

01 August 2020   |   by Paula Crowhurst   |   Reflection, Understanding
Although studies vary, research has shown that almost 60% of men & over 45% of women will cheat at some point in their marriages.

Affairs affect 1 in every 2.7 couples, which is almost 1/3 of us all. The toughest ordeal in a break-up of a marriage is dealing with a partner’s affair. Sadly, most people leave because there is another person involved and very few people leave a long established relationship to be on their own. They leave to be with another person and the different way of life that they offer.

Many partners who wander will deny the truth and continue with the deceit for as long as they can get away with it. With time, lies get easier and will just roll off the tongue. This causes uncertainty and confusion in the faithful partner and can leave them feeling a sense of guilt, especially when their cheating partner is incandescent about the way they are being interrogated.

Humiliation

To be left for someone else and lied to in the process is deeply humiliating and the feeling of betrayal is huge. It is not easy to explain the catastrophic emotions you go through. Your life is turned upside down. Not only is your relationship over but you are having to deal with the rollercoaster of emotions such as shock, jealousy, heartache and deep sadness, to name but a few. How will you trust anyone ever again? What will the ramifications be for your children, family and friends. You feel like such a fool.

At the same time, you have so many questions going round and round in your mind like a hamster wheel. You would like answers, but you doubt the answers will be the truth because the jilter has lied about so much for a long period of time.

Why do people have affairs?

There are many reasons why people have affairs and no two reasons are the same as relationships are unique. Their reasons can be one or more of the following:

  • A set of circumstances occurred and they went along with it
  • Partners who stray want to try something new
  • They no longer communicate with their partner
  • They feel stuck in a rut
  • They are worried about ageing
  • They wonder if there is more to life
  • They see the affair as a form of escape from the stress of personal or professional problems which they do not wish to face
  • They are open to flattery and attention and like having their ego stroked
  • They do not consider the consequences of their actions and this only gets worse the longer the deceit goes on
  • They believe the grass is greener elsewhere and they are bored with the existing relationship
  • They ‘want to have their cake and eat it’ and they think that it will not have an effect on their current relationship
  • They do not think the affair will be discovered
  • They enjoy the chase and the element of novelty
  • They feel that they can re-live the excitement of their youth
Chaos

Affairs are devastating and create chaos and destruction. Relationships are based on trust and mutual respect both of which are completely destroyed when one party has an affair. I believe that a relationship can never get back to what it once was after an affair. The chain of trust has been broken. That being said, if my client and their partner feel that the relationship is worth salvaging as there is too much at stake to lose, then who am I to judge. However, if the reason is purely because of the powerful emotion of fear of being alone, then this is definitely not a good reason to take a partner back.

Deciding to break-up or not has to be the right decision for YOU. Do not allow others to influence your decision one way or another. Be honest with yourself and take your time. Communication is key.

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

Mignon Mclaughlin

Clarity

Discuss where you feel there are discrepancies in the marriage. Talk about how you have got to this point in the relationship. Get all of your grievances out in the open in order to rebuild solid foundations again. Learn to enjoy each other’s company by taking up a new hobby together and going on dates as a couple. If you come to the decision that you deserve better and the relationship is truly over then the process of healing can truly begin. Be comforted in the knowledge that as one door closes, another one opens and when it does, your life will be even better than it was before.

Paula Crowhurst

The author of divorceseparationcoach.co.uk and a wide variety of inspirational & helpful blogs, to aid you in getting your life back on track after divorce. In addition to your personal coach, her own experiences will provide a unique and considered insight, into the things you can do to keep positive and motivated.