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Breaking Free After Betrayal
Can’t get them out of your head? If you’ve ever woken up at 3 a.m., muttering something sharp (or perhaps award-worthy sarcastic) to an ex who isn’t even in the room, you’re not alone.
If your mind keeps circling: what he’s doing, who he’s with, how he seems to have moved on with all the effort of changing a pair of socks; please hear this: there is nothing “wrong” with you.
This is what betrayal trauma does.
The Trauma
After two or three decades of shared routines, habits and rituals, from how the dishwasher was stacked to how you celebrated birthdays, the sudden tearing away of what was once familiar leaves your brain stranded. For years, your nervous system has been trained to expect his presence, even the irritating bits. Habits that have been cemented over twenty or thirty years don’t simply dissolve. They leave ghost-imprints, and that adjustment takes time.
I was once told that it takes six months for every year of marriage to heal from the trauma of betrayal. Crikey! That’s twenty years = ten years. That sounds like a prison sentence! While I don’t believe it has to take quite that long, (especially with support from me!) it does highlight the scale of what you’re navigating. Healing from betrayal is not about “snapping out of it.” It’s about patiently, steadily, finding yourself again.
HOW CAN YOU UNDERSTAND
“It was a mistake, you said.
But the cruel thing was,
it felt like the mistake was mine,
for trusting you.”
The Shock to the System
Discovering your partner has been living a double life isn’t just heartbreak; it’s psychological shock. Then come the gaslighting, the endless legal paperwork, and his shiny “new life” that appears to have been filtered through Instagram. No wonder your nervous system is fried.
I remember it all too well: weeks of nausea, appetite gone. Usually, I could be tempted by rich, velvety chocolate (I consider it one of life’s sacred joys), but during those months? Nothing. Not even chocolate stood a chance.
And sleep? Normally, I could sleep for England, but during that horrendous time, I was wide awake at 2 a.m., then dragging through the day as though I’d been up all night clubbing (without the fun or the music).
My body ached as though I’d run a marathon I never signed up for. That’s the fight-or-flight response – your whole system stuck on high alert, constantly scanning for danger.
It is no exaggeration to call it torture.
Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him
Here’s the thing: your brain is wired to solve mysteries. When decades of marriage are dismantled by lies, your mind loops endlessly, searching for answers that may never come. That’s why women say, “I can’t get him out of my head.”
It isn’t a weakness. It isn’t an obsession. It’s a normal response to a completely abnormal betrayal.
The catch? Those loops don’t bring peace. They keep you tethered to the very person you long to break free from.
The Turning Point: Choosing Freedom
Healing begins with a conscious decision: I don’t want him in my head anymore.
That’s where I come in. As a Divorce & Couples Clarity Coach and Clinical Hypnotherapist, I help women like you:
- Quieten the obsessive thoughts that keep you stuck in the past
- Release the emotional grip of betrayal and learn to trust yourself again
- Rebuild your identity and confidence outside of the relationship
- Find calm and clarity, even while legalities drag on
This isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about reclaiming your mind, your heart, and your future.
A Quick Mental Shift
The next time your ex barges into your thoughts, try this:
Instead of wrestling with the thought, change the picture. Shrink him down into a tiny black-and-white passport photo (the unflattering kind, we’ve all had one). Then, slowly fade that photo until it looks like an old snapshot left out in the sun.
Notice how your body feels as the image loses its power. That’s your reminder: he no longer gets to take up prime real estate in your head.
Your “Blue Sky” Life
Imagine waking up one day and realising…
- He no longer dominates your thoughts.
- The emotional charge has fizzled out.
- You feel light, calm, and deeply connected to yourself again.
This is the life beyond betrayal. This is your blue sky.
One Last Thought
Yes, you may still hear Kylie Minogue crooning, “I just can’t get you out of my head.” But I promise you, it is possible. You can be free. You can move into peace, clarity, and a future that belongs entirely to you.
As the poet Donna Ashworth says:
“One day you will see that all this mud was simply the soil that grew you to full height.”
It isn’t a weakness. It isn’t an obsession. It’s a normal response to a completely abnormal betrayal.
The catch? Those loops don’t bring peace. They keep you tethered to the very person you long to break free from.
